Humans are lazy or are they scary?
by robotgod456
Summary: Humans ... are one the most laziest species to ever grace the galaxy, or as others would say the most scariest species to ever exist should they get off their bums and do something.


Line: normal speaking

 _Line: normal thinking_

 **Line: other speaking**

 _ **Line: other thinking**_

 **AN: I just want to tell you guys that I recently posted a poll for some new story ideas and would appreciate it if you would vote since that will allow me to know what to write. Besides that enjoy the chapter.**

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Humans

A word that describes so many things that quite a few have petitioned the word to define a broad range of topics. But a few words commonly used are; powerful, advanced, old (depends who you're talking too), arrogant, barbaric, insane, cocky little pyjaks and so on. However, one word that was extremely popular and that was … lazy.

Humans had to be some of the laziest species to ever graced the Galaxy.

The first humans sights were during the relay 314 incident, as the humans called it, or otherwise known as the human citadel war by the rest of the Galaxy.

40 years ago during a routine run with the third citadel fleet had intercept, what the humans still insist on, a mining ship. Because people build their mining ships 2km long with weapons that should belong to a dreadnought.

The humans had been exploring space for nearly 400( **1)** years and during that time all alien life they encountered were either bacteria or had just discovered how to make fire. Because of that they had slowly began to add less and less first contact teams to each ship till the idea the sheer idea of a first contact team resulted in a groan from humanity that saw the effort as too much work.

A rammed citadel frigate fixed that notion.

When the Turians saw the footage of their fleet destroyed by a single massive ship, the humans argued that only a few were destroyed just the big ones, they began a mass militarization. Thinking that they were dealing with a rachni threat.

What remained of the third fleet sacrificed themselves to travel into the relay, acting as a initial scouting force into human territory.

When the Turians entered into human space they were greeted by a rather defenseless shanxi … humans did not really invest into orbital military defenses. Or at least till they gave in to the constant complaining from their new citadel citizens as well as to stop people posting those negative reviews on human planets. Seriously, the humans got feelings to you know and those reviews can really be mean.

At first the Turians we're hesitant thinking this to be a trap of some sorts but after a week of monitoring with no response from the planet they decided to take the risk. They inserted an invasion force into the planet when the orbital station was on the other side of the planet.

There things went from pyjak to thresher maw levels of shit as the Turians described it.

The first enemies that faced they faced were some kind of varren like beast. It was purely mechanical in nature yet they fought like them. Apparently the humans had called these _beast_ dogs, and supposedly the bred they had fought we're a German Shepherd bred.

Many brave souls perished that day but eventually the Turian might held out and they pushed the mechanical horrors back to whatever pit they came from.

Creating a FOB the leading ground officer ordered a small recon team to scout out the human city just miles away from here. A team was formed and was sent to the human city.

It was long trek and a unsettling quiet one for the team. They had not encountered any sort of resistance and we'll … nobody to begin with. No matter where they went the team could not see of these unknown aliens anywhere. By the time they reached the city they were surprised that nobody was here or was even here to begin with.

The buildings and roads looked extremely pristine and neat, they had none of the wear and tear of used one at all. The designs of these buildings were of alien origin, even for the Turians it was rather alien. It was some kind of hybrid of extreme angular and extreme curvature resulting in this type of buildings.

It taken the team a few hours as well as a bit of coaxing from the other members before they infiltrated what they believed to be a housing unit of sorts. Roughly 30-40 minutes later the team had finally gotten into one of rooms and what they saw next horrified them.

Inside of the room was a asari like creature watching TV. Like the varren before it this asari like creature was completely robotic. Covered in a chrome coloring one could lines etched through the frame that glowed with a dull. It's two glowing eyes turned to the team's attention as it spoke the first words between the two species.

"So your the pizza guy? if you are your 12 seconds late pal. I thought your business was pizza no later than 5 seconds not 17 seconds dammit. Or are we starting LARPing earlier?"

xxx

You see the humans had long since discovered how to transfer ones conscience over to a machine safety and successfully. It took a while but eventually all of humanity had transferred their minds into their vast machines, effectively making them immortal.

In the cyber world they lived in matrix like lives where they could change everything around then to their own desires. They lived like God's in their own realm indulging in all of life's finest things and was glorious … for a while.

You could only do so many things so many times before one loses their 'drive'.

So humanity became slowly and slowly more bored with their heavenly lives as the greed of their flash bag day died, now satisfied with the new post-scarcity world.

xxx

Now back to our good old Turian friends. Remember, they didn't know of any of this yet so when they saw this asari like robot turn and talk to them a single thought came to mind.

"AI" screamed one of the Turians as he shot at the human. The bullet was slapped away by the shields.

"So I guess we're starting than" asked the human as he was assaulted by a line of rifle fire. Shrugging the human tapped the armrest as dozens of holographic buttons appeared. Pressing one of the buttons a massive mini-gun appeared behind the couch as it opened fire, the Turians became meat jelly under half a minute.

"Hey guys, were starting the meet, meet me a few miles away from the city" called the human receiving various forms of acknowledgement.

The couch began to shake as it lifted itself off the ground, using hyper advance gravitation technology. The wall deconstructed itself as the couch zoomed out of the building with various other couches doing the same thing.

The battle later on would be known as the single most bloodiest and fastest defeat in Turian history. Under 5 minutes 30,000 soldiers were reduced to three, two became so shocked that they ended up spending the rest of their lives as living vegetables while the last was saren … enough said.

To the humans it was a rather short if not a bit annoying, fucking Larry stealing that last kill, LARPing session.

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By this time the third fleet made the wise decision to NOPE all the way out till more reinforcement came. When high command learned of this defeat disbelief filled the ranks as many found the news unrealistic and just a horrible prank.

The video of the battle changed that.

Military production skyrocketed to krogan rebellion levels and beyond. The rest of the council had learned of this increase VERY quickly. When asked (read: interrogated) the Turian councilor summed it up in four(five?) words.

"We fucked up … bad."

One more in depth explanation had the rest of the council governments leaders running around in circles with everyone trying to somehow please the humans while somehow getting on their good side at the same time.

xxx

Before the council could even finish voting the color of what the draft's words would be a massive, this time the humans admitted it was a wee bit bigger than average, ship appeared out of their space. After a brief (long) surge of panic things began to calm down as it was the human diplomatic ship, 4 km long and armed with weapons capable of blowing the destiny ascension back and the time it took to make back by another 200 years.

Data packages were exchange between the two civilizations … and nothing much after that.

After almost a week of full silence the cidatal hailed the ship again. In response the crew stated the diplomatic team was still going over everything. The council decided to give another week.

xxx One Week Later xxx

Still no response from the ship. The council hailed again and they received the same response, they agreed for one more week.

xxx One Week Later xxx

Still nothing from the ship. The council hailed again and received the same response, this time they pushed it back by four days

Than three days

Than two days

One day

The humans we're told that they were given no more time and had to come to the cidatal now. With heavy reluctance they agreed and sent one of diplomats. Cidatal control spotted a small object sailing through space, telescopes showed it to be a human on a sofa … flying through space on a sofa.

Ignoring the … questionable means of transportation the … sofa … was able to reach the landing pad in less 30 minutes. Consider that the human ship was on the edge of the system that was impressive, for a sofa.

A sea of journalist we're crowding the landing area as C-SEC we're forced to bring in there version of SWAT. As the sofa began to lower onto the pad a female human wearing a beautiful dress.

"So I guess your the diplomatic guys. The names Antia Goyle, ugh sorry for how long it was I got you this" replied the ambassador. Handing over a plastic bag of gifts to the ambassadors waiting for her.

As they begun the journey to the presidium various questions were asked and answer but a few did reach headlines of various news sources.

(A = Ambassador, J = Journalist)

xxx

J: Excuse me ma'am, can I have your attention for a moment.

A: ~sigh~ Ok

J: Thank you, I'm a representative of the CNN (cidatal new network). Is it true that your ship destroyed a good portion of the third fleet.

A: Well last time I checked our mining ship shot only a few of them. A lot of them were left unscathed.

J: Those ships you destroyed were frigates and they are quite expensive to build/maintain.

A: Oh. Well I guess we'll talk about that in the peace talks than, ugh next please.

J: Representative of Palvan times. I have information that during the shanxi massacre your military utilize these mechanical varren which you call _dogs_ , is this true?

A: Yeeaahh? I means dogs have been our companions for as long as the earliest civilizations and beyond.

J: I see, thank you very much.

A: Mhm, last one.

J: representative of Maiden Secrets. I must ask ambassador your clothes has already spark interested in our live video chat room and we dying to know the secret of that dress.

A: Oh this? Well I'm not exactly sure who made it, I'll ask creator, but the material of this shirt is light.

J: I-I'm sorry ambassador there must have a translator error, did you say that your clothes are made out of light?

A: Yes, hard light to be specific. Look, as much as this is interesting I should probably go and um do ambassador … stuff.

xxx

The talks between humanity and the council was a tense one but in the end a peace agreement was brokered. It wasn't exactly what the council hoped for and humans didn't seem to care much as they just played on their new omni-tools to pass time.

The deal stated that humanity would be its own independent nation and any deals will be done with the individual governments. The citadel will acknowledge humanities sovereignty and would refrain from intruding into their own territory unless given expressed permission. The same was applied to humanity.

The years that followed a tense one, for council at least, trade between the superpowers we're non-existent. Humans living in there post-scarcity society had no real need to material goods and they could make anything by themselves with ease. Having no currency caused immediate problems as the council had never faced such a society before in its life time.

Since the humans never sign the treaty of farixen they had no real limits the there super dreadnoughts, or cruisers as they called it. They had hoped for some kind of economic limit but learning of their post scarcity society horrified them as essential could make as much as they want with the only real limit on the resources they had.

While the humans had a smaller number of ships each one dwarfed the destiny ascensions. Oh it also didn't help that humanity uses an alternative form of FTL, that kept minds up at night more often.

The council tried to close the gap between them while trying to create more ships to keep their numerical advantage. It wasn't long till the council started to slip into a recession and was forced to slow down. There were quite a few breakthroughs during this time, better arms and shield were available to council armies. Ship drives became more efficient, resulting in bigger ship designs, letting the council to bring the destiny ascension up level with one of humans cruisers.

Even with all the advances the sobering reminder was the same. Humans were still more advanced than them and the gap between was the size of a galaxy.

xxx

For the humans they had to deal with there own problems. The biggest one was the complaining. When they had allowed aliens into their territory they hadn't expect this much complaining to come as well. Seriously the complaint box was overflowing, both the physical and digital one.

And it was about EVERYTHING, from the food, to the slavers, to the environment, to the slavers, to driers, to the slavers, to the fucking washing machine, and to the slavers.

After what felt like the millionth time humanity finally cracked. Grabbing the nearest pirate fleet they asked (read shouted (read interrogated)) for the nearest pirate base. Torfon was the one they gave.

Amassing a 'light' fleet the humans warped into the Torfon. Destroying their fleets in seconds the humans landed 3 legions of droids, each legion was in the millions.

But truly added the cherry to the shit sundae was the legion of human battle couches.

And what happened there went against the Geneva convention.

When council ships they saw three things. Ships filled with freed slaves, satisfied humans, and the debri field that was the system Torfan orbited.

Suffice to say the slaver business sank faster than a maiden's first time with fornax.

But besides the battle (slaughter) of Torfan the humans had other qualities an well, like how humans are the best sex workers in the Galaxy. Before humans the asari were the best in the business with the elcor coming in for second, don't underestimate those face tentacles man. When the humans had arrived on the galactic stage the rest whole galaxy was shown what a real master can do.

There time spent in digital heaven had allowed the species the unparalleled ability to try out everything … and I man **everything**. If you ever got a human off his/her couch than you will be swimming in pleasure, days even after the act.

But actually getting a human off the couch is a feat worthy of praise. One cannot bribe a human with momentary items like credits, to them they are nothing more than "bright lights that people fight over for some reason" as the humans say. Food and other material goods could be recreated in their digital realms.

The only surefire way to get a human to do something was simple. Complain about it to them. Complain about everything to them, to the food quality, the sky, to even the washing machine (be warned that last one should be used in as a last resort as the human will be left in a very upset mood for the week).

Another addition was taking the humans Omni-tools from them as that is shown to incentive them to do something. Increasing the tone of your voice also is shown to help speed up the time by a factor of 5-7 days.

However, if your human is upset, as shown when it is in it's battle bed and not in its battle couch, one **must** give him/her some space to cool. Bad things are known to happen when someone makes an upset with an already frustrated human. The zakera ward is still being repaired from the last incident, chunks of the wing can be seen in space.

Still, the humans were capable of kind deeds … when they to get to it. In fact a few years ago a newly discovered species was under threat as there planet was under a rather intense climate change is a result of a huge meteor crashing into the surface. The humans, feeling pitiful, had vowed to save the species from their certain destruction.

They sent a might fleet of aid ships towards the species … it took two years to remember they had to send the fleet to the planet.

By the time they reached there the species had long since died, of course humans were a stubborn race … or a willing one when it came to avoiding the council at complaining to them.

So using their OP plz Nerf me powers they forcibly brought the species back from the dead. Unfortunately this led to a few … complications. The species had ended up seeing the humans as there God's and the council was upset that the humans dumped the species right on their lap, forcing them to find a planet for the newly orphaned species.

It also didn't help the humans didn't do anything about the god worshiping aspect. In their defense how could you say no to such a cute critter as the species looked very similar to an avian species on Earth that they called a puffin.

For the council they had nearly avoided a full out religion war TWICE between the newly named puffins and hanar. Never before had the council witness the hanar ambassador clad ancient battle armor. Nor had they ever seen a species wear an armor like the puffins were wearing, which more resembled a ball of metal with spike attached. Suffice to say the council was in a very upset mood and made sure the humans understood that as clear as possible.

But alas such a … interesting life for the people of the citadel could not last forever. It would be in 2183 CE that things truly took a sharp turn. It was during this time that the asari colony Eden prime, which was given to them by humanity as reparations for the destruction of the zakera war, would be attacked the geth.

The human stealth frigate, the Normandy, was in a nearby system when they heard the distress call from Eden prime. Seeing as their was really nothing to do in there current location the humans had headed towards the planet.

Upon entering the system they were greeted by the sight of a whole fleet of geth warships lead by a 2km ... cuttlefish?

Even with their confusion the crew of the Normandy drove the ship closer to the fleet as they prepared their weapons. In exactly 2 minutes later the geth fleet fired upon their location with deadly accuracy. Brilliant arcs of energy flew from the Normandy as they made contact with the fleet, multiple ships exploded in a fiery inferno as the geth fleet began to take evasive maneuvers.

It wasn't long till the massive cuttlefish entered the fray, firing crimson arcs of its own at the Normandy. The shields flared to life as they held against the attack. The battle continued on for almost half an hour till a fleet of human ships entered and assisted in the destruction of the geth fleet as well as the cuttlefish.

By the time the council relief force arrived the humans fleet had mostly left, taking the giant cuttlefish with them, leaving a single ship to explain the situation.

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 **A FEW DAYS LATER**

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"As stated before the batarian people have been a member of this great council for almost centuries and we believe" stated the batarian ambassador, continuing with his monologue.

The only ones that were there we're the three Councillors, who all looked like they wish they were somewhere else, and the human representative, who was playing on his personal game cube (a vintage one in fact) 007.

"And finally we believe" continued the batarian before a large claw grabbed him by the back and chucked him out of the citadel.

"A-Ambassador" cried out Tevos.

"Council" said the human, but it was not in his usually lazy voice ... it was serious. "The humans will be temporary unavailable for a while, there are things we need to do, goodbye."

The humans brought his legs out, stretching them out ...and got up

...

...

...

Mercy to those who brought this.

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 **Ugghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, this took WAY to long than it should have. Heck this wasn't even the original idea, I scraped that to create this and even than I feel disappointed with it.**

 **But I did promise that I would give you guys a one-shot and here it is.**

 **like it, hate it, give me a review where I went wrong or where I went right as that would be appreciated.**

 **But besides my rant I also want to tell you that the polls will be open for a one more week before I close it and send out the story. Right now I'm going to head off and work on an Old Power and after that I don't know but that is my current plan.**

 **(1): Yeah so humainty has been in space a BIT longer than stated in the lore. Just try to think of as me pushing everthing back by another 400 years and keeping it at that. Please, I don't to think anymore.**

 **Peace-robotgod456**


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